Match-up: Tell-tale

Write a story featuring a Ouija board, a search engine, and a self-help book.

“What the hell is a Ouija board?”, he said,

As he powered up the search engine.

“Hell! I don’t believe in talking to spirits, man! Do they even exist? No one’s spooked me yet. That I’ve not sought them is another matter altogether.

And no self-help book can tell you or me,

How to deal with ghosts and the paranormal.

So you tell me—what the hell am I to write in this tale you want me to tell?”