— Amber Schroetlin
When my insurance company refused to pay for my newborn son’s circumcision, I got a letter explaining its logic. Under the procedure "Circumcision" was written "Unable to locate member."
— Tom Birdwell
For some recruits, there is nothing basic about basic training. It was clear that one soldier in particular was not getting the hang of it when on guard duty one night, he cried out, "Halt! Don’t shoot or I’ll move!"
— Melanie Beck
When a woman requested a whole roaster at the market where I work, the butcher didn’t let on that the bird he presented her was the last one. "Do you have one that’s a little larger?" she asked.
"Of course," said the butcher. He took the roaster behind the counter, away from view, and made a lot of noise rolling it around the ice as if he were searching for just the right chicken. He then showed the same bird to her.
"Better," she said. "Do you have one with a little more meat on it?"
He took the chicken, rolled it in the ice and offered it up a third time.
"Great," the woman said. "I’ll take all three."
— Angie Flaute
I was telling my three boys the story of the Nativity and how the Wise Men brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the infant Jesus. Clearly giving it a lot of thought, my six-year-old observed, "Mom, a Wise Woman would have brought diapers."
— Brianne Burcl, Elyria, Ohio
One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly. After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she’ll die?"
"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on Fear Factor."
Quote of the day:
It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. – Voltaire