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I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
And I water’d it in fears,
Night & morning with my tears;
And I summoned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.
And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright;
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,
And into my garden stole
When the night had veil’d the pole:
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretch’d beneath the tree.
William Blake (1757-1827)
No one forgets a screamer—a boss who yells at workers, leaving them feeling powerless and constantly on edge, and sometimes reduced to tears when the explosion comes.
It is a figure Andrew Cornell vows not to become. He sometimes feels like yelling when employees at his manufacturing company don’t meet his expectations. But he bites his tongue. “Yelling is a vestige of a past time, and I always regret it,” says Mr. Cornell, chief executive of Cornell Iron Works in Mountaintop, Pa. Instead, he holds short, frequent meetings with employees having problems, rather than “waiting until the end, throwing a nuclear bomb and leaving blood all over the wall.”
- How to deal with a boss that yells (codefir3.com)
- Screaming Bosses Are So Yesterday (thecareerist.typepad.com)
- When Did I Get Like This? The Screamer, the Worrier, the Dinosaur-Chicken-Nugget-Buyer, and Other Mothers I Swore Iâd Never Be (smartypantsvitamins.com)
- Why Do You Yell at Your Employees? (inc.com)
- The Yelling Boss Disappears (patspapers.com)
The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk.
We are in a season traditionally devoted to good will among people and to the renewal of hope in the face of hard times. As we seek to realize these lofty ideals, one of our greatest challenges is overcoming bitterness and divisiveness. We all struggle with the wrongs others have done to us as well as those we have done to others, and we recoil at the vast extent of injury humankind seems determined to inflict on itself. How to keep hope alive? Without a constructive answer to toxic anger, addictive cycles of revenge, and immobilizing guilt, we seem doomed to despair about chances for renewal. One answer to this despair lies in forgiveness.
What is forgiveness? When is it appropriate? Why is it considered to be commendable? Some claim that forgiveness is merely about ridding oneself of vengeful anger; do that, and you have forgiven. But if you were able to banish anger from your soul simply by taking a pill, would the result really be forgiveness? The timing of forgiveness is also disputed. Some say that it should wait for the offender to take responsibility and suffer due punishment, others hold that the victim must first overcome anger altogether, and still others that forgiveness should be unilaterally bestowed at the earliest possible moment. But what if you have every good reason to be angry and even to take your sweet revenge as well? Is forgiveness then really to be commended? Some object that it lets the offender off the hook, confesses to one’s own weakness and vulnerability, and papers over the legitimate demands of vengeful anger. And yet, legions praise forgiveness and think of it as an indispensable virtue. Recall the title of Archbishop Desmond Tutu’s book on the subject: “No Future Without Forgiveness.”
Does your own and others’ anger terrify you? Discover how to move beyond your fear of anger.Are you terrified of others’ anger? Are you afraid to open to your own anger for fear of getting out of control?If you grew up in an angry or violent home, there is a good possibility that you have a fear of both your own anger and others’ anger.Fear of Others’ AngerI grew up with a very angry mother and I was terrified of her anger. Her anger was irrational and it came out of nowhere. My whole body used to shake when she got angry.For years as an adult, I continued to be terrified of anger, as I had no idea how to take care of myself in the face of another’s anger. When you don’t know how to respond to another’s anger, your fight, flight or freeze response gets activated, and for me it was freeze. I would become so frozen that I was unable to say much at all. When I could talk again, I would try to explain, defend, or scurry around trying to please.Now I’m no longer afraid of others’ anger. I still shake inside if the anger is irrational, and now I know the shaking is my inner guidance letting me know that danger is occurring, and I listen carefully to what my inner guidance is telling me.I’m no longer afraid because I know what to do. I know that I no longer have to stand there and take it like I did as a little girl. I know that I can either move into an intent to learn about why the other is angry or I can lovingly disengage. If I think the person might open with me, I gently say, “I hear that you are angry and I’d like to understand why you are angry, but it will be much easier for me to hear you if you stop attacking me.”If I’m pretty sure that the person won’t open, then I say something like, “This feels hurtful so I’m going to take a walk. Let me know when you are ready to talk without blaming me.”The fact that I can now do one of these two things takes away my fear. My inner child knows that I, as a loving adult, am going to take care of the situation so that she isn’t hurt by it as she was as a child.Fear of Your AngerMany people who grew up with violence do not want to be anything like their angry parent or caregiver. They are afraid that if they get angry, they will become irrational and hurtful like some of the adults were when they were growing up.If you have this fear, it is important for you to understand the difference between anger intent on controlling – which comes from an out of control wounded person and is very scary – and anger intent on learning. When your intent is to learn from your anger rather than dump it on someone else in the form of attack and blame, then you embrace your angry feelings as information. Your angry feelings are telling you that there is some way you are not taking care of yourself – some way you are abandoning yourself. When you consistently move into learning from your anger rather than act it out on others, you lose your fear of your anger.All our emotions are informational, and our anger is no different. When you open to learning from your own anger, and you open to learning with another who is angry or you lovingly disengage, you will heal your fear of anger.
- Anger=Fear (patcegan.wordpress.com)
- Don’t tell me to calm down! (hypnodiary.wordpress.com)
- Anger (lijiun.wordpress.com)
Image via Wikipedia
"Let your love be stronger than your hate or anger. Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break." ~H.G. Wells, quoted in "Happily Ever After."
Thank everyone who calls out your faults, your anger, your impatience, your egotism; do this consciously, voluntarily. -Jean Toomer, poet and novelist (1894-1967)